Category Archives: Comedy

My heart’s ode to the universe of love

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Mirror, mirror on the wall

Why is my prince charming coming at the speed of a crawl?

Is it due to his high cholesterol?

As I work through my muck,

I believe my fairy godmother will send me a hunk

Thank you, in advance,

For the chance to dance with romance.

Faithfully yours, Rochelle

Please read my other written work.

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

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The Ultimate Review of “The Rosie Project”, and Why Bill Gates and I are Soul Brother and Sister

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Bill Gates and I are Soul Brother and Sister, because…

  1. We both use Microsoft products.
  2. We both read and recommend The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion. Brother Bill, was introduced to the book through his wife’s suggestion. I picked up the title based on the glowing reviews on Amazon.

The Rosie Project Book Review

This book is a five-star, fast-moving humorous love story about a Professor Nerd (boy) meets (girl) Badass Ph.D. Psychology Student by way of a failed attempt to use a scientific algorithmic survey to find a wife.

The Characters

Main Character (Protagonist) Don Tillman

The Rosie Project is written in the voice of Don Tillman (I dub him “The Professor” in my book review). The Professor is a 39-year-old, single, professor of Genetics at a university in Australia. Characteristically speaking, The Professor is a socially inept, “genetics geek,” and a virgin with Asperger’s. He is an alien too. You read right, The Professor is an alien, well not really. Well, yes really — it is legit. The US government grants visas to aliens “who possesses extraordinary ability in the sciences” among other disciplines. Because of his quirkiness, he is a funny, too.

Underneath his geeky armor, The Professor’s silhouette is sculpted with defined pecks and whatnot, because he practices a modern Japanese martial art form called Aikido. Villain beware, because he will dish out a “whoop-ass” if need be.

His world context of women are stuck in the dark ages; this is revealed by his dated use of language. He made the mistake of referring to Rosie as a barmaid instead of a bartender. C’mon son – get with the times. That language is dead like Latin. To compound his dated lexicon, he also has a wandering eye for women with “sizeable boobs.” His out of touch observations do not deviate from who he is: like the time he described his date as a “blonde with big tits, in fact, her breasts were probably no more than one and a half standard deviations from the mean size for her body weight and hardly a remarkable identifying feature.”

His clothing choices are similar to that of Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. They all belong to the standardized, repeatable wardrobe club to conserve brain function by not making foolish fashion decisions.

The Professor relishes in “being seen as someone not tied to the norms of society.”

Main Character – Rosie Jarman

Smoker Rosie Jarman is a smart, sassy and spicy “almost thirty” Ph.D. Candidate of Psychology at the same university Professor Don Tillman teaches genetics. She has daddy issues and works part-time as a bartender at the Marquess of Queensberry. To substantiate Rosie’s smarts; she scored a near perfect mark (a seventy-four to be exact) on the GAMSAT for medical school. She is “basically vegetarian; seafood is okay if it’s sustainable.” In other words, let’s not complicate this, Rosie is a sustainable eating pescatarian.

Rosie’s mother died when she was 10 in the same car accident; her physical trainer stepfather Phil Jarmon saved her from. To add to the unfortunate drama “Rosie’s mother was a bit wild in her younger days and engaged in unprotected sex outside her primary relationship.” Rosie’s mother, a doctor, shared blue eyes with her husband Phil and Rosie’s eyes are brown “that was when my mother realized that Phil wasn’t my father and decided to tell him.” Consequently, Phil tells Rosie without the icing on the cake; he is not her real dad. Because of this admission, Rosie embarks on who’s your daddy DNA adventures with The Professor.

Secondary Character – Gene Barrow

Professor Gene Barrow is “fifty-six years old with a wife and two kids.” He is a geneticist professor, however now he is the head of the Psychology Department at the same university The Professor teaches genetics.

What’s in a name – you ask? That question remains unanswered, but I can tell you this; Gene is a “sexist pig” and wanna be Casanova married to Claudia. “Gene has a project to have sex with as many women of as many different nationalities as possible.” Because of this “project” Gene has stepped outside of his marriage. He documents each extramarital sexual entanglement with a pin on a map in his office.

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Secondary Character – Claudia Barrow

Claudia Barrow is the patient wife of Gene and is a clinical psychologist. She is the mother of Gene’s two children. Claudia is a good friend to The Professor offering sage advice to him, often. Her relationship philosophy offers visibility into her character: “If you really love someone, you have to be prepared to accept them as they are. Maybe you hope that one day they get a wake-up call and make the changes for their own reasons”.

Secondary Character – Phil Jarman

Phil Jarmon is Rosie’s stepfather. He is the owner of Jarman’s Gym. To mirror his testosterone driven profession, he drives a red convertible Porsche. He promised Rosie as a young child he would take her to Disneyland, but he figured she forgot about their conversation.

The Wife Project

The book opens with Professor Don Tillman (“The Professor“) having found the solution to the “social problem of finding a wife.” Even “The Good Book”, draws a favorable conclusion to such endeavor. As evidenced by the Shakespearean dialect of the King James version of the Bible that puts it like this: “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD”. He approaches his dating experiments like a failed Facebook algorithm. In his mind, a scientific questionnaire is an obvious solution to finding a wife.

“The Wife Project” questionnaire is a purpose-built, scientifically valid instrument incorporating current best practice to filter out the time wasters, the disorganized, the ice-cream discriminators, the visual-harassment complainers, the crystal gazers, the horoscope readers, the fashion obsessives , the religious fanatics, the vegans, the sports watchers, the creationists, the smokers, the scientifically illiterate, the homeopaths, leaving, ideally, the perfect partner or, realistically, a manageable short list of candidates”.

The Method

  • Step #1 – The Professor meets women through “traditional” dating sites
  • Step #2 – He determines his sample size, by gathering anecdotal data from that scientific survey thingamajig
  • Step #3 – He conducts dating experiments to test his hypothesis of finding a wife by any means necessary

The Professor’s questionnaire spawned a few first dates with: “Olivia’s BMI at 19: slim but not signs of anorexia. I estimated Sharon the Accountant’s at twenty-three, and Maria the Nurse at 28. The recommended healthy maximum is twenty-five.” Coupled with his keen eye for a women’s size, he also has a penchant for promptness.

The 7 Stages of Love “Rosie Style”

Stage #1 – How They Met

The love story begins something like this: Rosie enters The Professor’s office, “Professor Barrow suggested I see you. Someone told me you can tell if a person’s monogamous by the size of their testicles.” Rosie was mistaken by The Professor as one of the wife candidates that completed the scientific survey of sorts. In presumptive haste, he invites Rosie to dinner. “How about we do dinner tonight?” She responds with a jacket-required restaurant. “How about Le Gavroche and you’re paying?” Since their first date was made for the same night, The Professor had to hack the reservation system to get a seat at the table.

He arrives at the restaurant with a waterproof windbreaker jacket on, instead of the required attire of the fancy establishment. Standing his ground, The Professor gets into a physical clash with the restaurant staff because technically he has on a jacket.

“Don, you would make someone a wonderful husband.”

Stage #2 – Discovery

After The Professor’s “Revenge of the Nerds” fight scene, they meander back to The Professor’s house to eat, one of his standardized meals that are scheduled to be eaten on Tuesdays. According to The Professor’s eating rules “Wine is not scheduled for Tuesdays. “Fuck that,” said Rosie.” Nothing like a badass woman to shake sh^t up. They eat, talk and learn about each other which included a conversation about Rosie’s “father,” not being her biological father. “My real dad is a doctor. I just don’t know which one.” They end the night with the standard first date pleasantries.

Stage #3 – Denial

The Professor’s assessment of Rosie is based on his scientific survey thingamajig. As a matter fact, she doesn’t measure up to the Wife’s Project because she is “A barmaid. Late, vegetarian, disorganized, irrational, unhealthy, smoker—smoker! — psychological problems, can’t cook, mathematically incompetent, unnatural hair color. “To see her again would be in total contradiction to the rationale for the Wife Project.”

“Humans often fail to see what is close to them and obvious to others.”

Stage #4 – False Pretense

Rosie never completed “The Wife Project” questionnaire, however, The Professor’s hypothesis was that she must have been interested.

He makes up some coy plan to help Rosie find her biological father. Even though she is so “patently inappropriate” as a suitable life partner. The audacity of men, trying to justify their intent with coded actions. The Professor continues with his irrational logic “Rosie was not a date. I had rejected her, comprehensively, as a potential partner, and we were together because of a joint project. It was like a meeting.” The Professor commits to the “The Father Project” to have routine face time with Rosie.

Stage #5 – State of Confusion

Despite the confusion in his head, together they begin their adventures of collecting DNA samples to perform testing to uncover Rosie’s biological father. From posing as bartenders, lighting up the dance floor as the DNA dancing duo and traveling across the Atlantic Ocean.

On their way to NYC, The Professor meets Rosie at the airport to get additional DNA samples of two doctors that moved to the states. “She remained uncomfortable about my purchasing her ticket, so I told her she could pay me back by selecting some Wife Project applicants for me to date. “Fuck you,” she said. It seemed we were friends again.” The nerve of The Professor. #SMDH

In anticlimactic fashion, The Professor got busted “using the DNA machine for private purposes” which was a “breach of the Genetics Department regulations.”

Until he met Rosie, his life was a set of repeated routines governed by his “holy schedule.”

“My feelings for her could not be explained by logic.”

Stage #6 – It Must Be Love

The Professor and Rosie feelings go heart-to-heart with each other and no longer meander around the edges of their existence. As in most scenarios of love, there are the intangibles that fall short of one’s shopping list of desirables. “Rosie identified three faults of The Professor: no idea of social behavior, your life’s ruled by a whiteboard, and you’re incapable of feeling love— you’re perfect.” The Professor’s snap-back summation of Rosie: “You failed almost every criterion of the Wife Project. Disorganized, mathematically illiterate, ridiculous food requirements. Incredible. I considered sharing my life with a smoker.” The courting, dating, mating dynamics of irrational humans.

They tip-toe around the pantyhose conversation of love. Rosie asks “Don’t you care about me?” The Professor replies “I care about you enormously.” Quietly, in his mind The Professor “wanted her to fall in love with me.”

“If you really love someone, you have to be prepared to accept them as they are. Maybe you hope that one day they get a wake-up call and make the changes for their own reasons”.

Stage #7 – Happily Ever After

The Professor proposed to Rosie by stating the obvious “you have short earlobes. Socially and genetically there’s no reason for me to be attracted to you. The only logical conclusion is that I must be in love with you.” He seals the proposal with a kiss and Rosie reacts with “You’d better not let me down, I’m expecting constant craziness.”

The story winds down with their move from Australia to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Please read my other written work.

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

3 times when having ‘dirty’ breath is good for those around you

“Sir, I had thought all men breath had smelled so”.The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

Today, I had the usual for lunch — my green juice tonic. After guzzling down my lunch, I walk the mazed pathway to my cubicle. Before arriving to my seat, I am signaled in mid-gait and questioned about a technical glitch from a team member. I abruptly, did a little pirouette twirl from my runway walk to address his earthly concern. I am standing outside his domain, separated by his cubicle fencing. I respond with the data I have around the systemic known issue. After I spew all the ‘dirt’ I have — I then stop talking to give him time to digest my words.

My co-worker responds “Do you smell dirt”?

I reply “What do you mean by dirt? There is no wrongdoing involved. The code is broken”.

He replies, “No. Dirt. Soil. Don’t you smell it”?

My muddled mind struggles to process his words. “Is he referring to the dirt from the earth”? At that point, a floodlight of sun clears the cache in my brain and I am reminded today’s green juice was actually my red juice. My Bordeaux juice. My juice of the earth which consists of beets primarily and other secondary vegetation.

Still not certain it was my lunch he was smelling, I neighborly step inside his cubicle entryway. I need more data that the lawn smell is coming from me. My distance is HR approved. I lean in and begin talking. He leans back.

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He is now talking in exclamations “What did you have for lunch”!?

I reply in green juice jargon. “Bordeaux juice”.

Him “What the heck is Bordeaux juice”?

Me: “Green juice with beets. And for the record my breath doesn’t smell like dirt”.

Him gasping for air “Yes, it does”.

Me: “My breath is nutrient dense for the record. Your casual sense of smell doesn’t know perfectly PH balanced breath when it’s slaying you in the face”.

Him: “What I know is your breath is an occupational hazard”.

Me: “I’m doing my part by spreading health one breath at a time.”

We laugh. I offer him what’s left of my juice. He adamantly declines. I return to my seat with my good vibrations intact. I put my hand up against my mouth and blow a few times. To me, my breath smells fine. I pop a piece of gum in my mouth for special effect.

3 times when having ‘dirty’ breath after consuming green juice is good for those around you.

  1. The spread of wellness.Sharing green juice by any means necessary is a win for all.
  2. Cleaner air.‘Dirty’ breath from green juice may detoxify the surrounding airspace and spark brain activity in others.
  3. Lower health care costs.‘Dirty’ breath resulting from consistent green juicing sows the seeds of improved health outcomes which may cause the pool of health care costs to go earthward.

******

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

 

12 Sleep Strategies for an Improved Life

I gave a talk last month on Healthy Hack Tips. The tips I shared, were pulled out of my toolbox of practice like a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat. Sleep was second on my list as an actionable item for each Beauty to re-consider as a tangible part of her self-care routine.

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Sleep deprivation is romanticized in our culture. Like you, I have participated in this culture of sleep deficiency. I was the poster child for team no-sleep. In my investment banking days, I coined the phrase “Sleep is for Suckers.” I have laid to rest that way of thinking. My nightly goal is to win at sleep. It’s no longer a badge of honor to be sleep deprived.

The Caffeine Conundrum

It’s time to reset your alarm to prioritize good sleep over caffeine. Percolate on this — sleep and exercise are important factors for good cognitive health. Good sleep improves the brain’s performance and aids in the aging process. Sleep cleans the brain’s cache, improves memory and bolsters creativity.

For example, if your morning coffee receipt is greater than the hours you’ve slept last night, you are adding wealth value to the coffee company and subtracting health value from your existence by your sleepy ways.

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Sleep is selfish, natural & healthy. A good night’s sleep is one of the best ways to be selfless to your body.

Sleepy Brain Teaser

Sleep sweeps the brain of stuff and spruces up your marbles to stockpile new material.

Sweetie, let’s see if your brain is awake reading this story. Choose the one common word to associate to each word on the following list.

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How did you do Sweetheart with this sleepy brain teaser? I bet you were distracted by that nagging Sweet Tooth.

Sleep Intelligence for Improved Sleep

I am intentional about how much sleep I get each night in order to wake up energized. For instance, if I need to get up at 5am, I’ll target a 9pm bedtime. My optimal sleep duration is around 8 hours each night. This number is different for each of us. One way to measure this for yourself is to observe your sleep patterns over a 30-day period. Track the days you wake-up refreshed and lifted by calculating the quantity of optimal hours slept by the number of optimal nights slept. Use that number as your baseline — your sleep standard.

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Record your sleep habits over the next 30, 60 or 90 days. Healthy sleeping habits makes for happy days.

Consider the following strategies to start a sleep revolution in your life.

12 sleep Strategies for an Improved Life

Start Slow. Plan for an extra 20 minutes of sleep each night and build from there.

  1. Start Slow. Plan for an extra 20 minutes of sleep each night and build from there.
  2. Sleep Smart. Wake-up and bed down the same time each night.
  3. Power down. Climb into bed 90 minutes before your sleep time. (Adjust the suggested minutes based on your social media/internet consumption.)
  4. Set your alarm an hour before you need to wake up. There is something so delicious about snoozing.
  5. Blinded by the light. Blue light disrupts sleep at night. Filter blue light out with a screen protector or with an application for your device.
  6. Sound off. Silence your hand held devices before bedtime. If you need to allow important communication to sound through use an application for your device or the device settings.
  7. Get a few Z’s. Power nap to power through your day. Nap for 20 or 90 minute increments between 1pm-3pm.
  8. Partner-up. There is something darkly poetic about yawning in unison with a person or your pet dog.
  9. No. No. No. Nix Java Joe after 12 noon. The aim is to build up sufficient sleep pressure to fall asleep quickly at bedtime.
  10. Be extreme. Wake-up at 4am each morning with planned activities to accomplish for 30 days to trigger new sleeping habits.
  11. Sheet music. Your bedding should excite your senses and create a harmony between your body & soul. Take note and level up.
  12. Sleep is served. With Happy Endings.

****

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

Green juice, the accidental poop and how to get a guy to like you

One autumn evening my neighbor invites me to his home for a working dinner to support our efforts as board members for our local Y.

I start most days juicing a bunch of leafy green matter. On this day, my 36 oz. tonic consists of collard greens, ginger, garlic, cilantro and lemon. After preparing my green juice, I take the tonic straight. Head back. Glass up. No chaser. 

In conquest, I beat my chest with my fists. Affirming my “gutsiness.”

I clean up and start my day in my office nook. I’m focused. And accomplishing much shit. (Pun intended)

Midday, my gut is feeling rebellious. I brush it off. This is par for the course for me, when juicing. I’m distracted. I switch thoughts. “Holy, crap.”

Customarily, I extinguish arrestingly violent burst of gaseous air from my butt. Statistically, today should be no different. Like most gambling outcomes, my streak was coming to an end. At first, I was in disbelief. Bewildered. “Oh, crap.”

I arrive at my neighbor’s home to a culinary photo shoot that is winding down. His home is the lifestyles of the-better-and-better. He has a chef’s kitchen with a long island. Scattered about are culinary delights which includes smoothies. I’m chatting up the guys — my neighbor, his boyfriend — the chef and the photographer. The chef is sharing the details of the photo shoot and hyping his culinary skills. I’m curious. I ask to taste a smoothie perched on the counter. In response, the chef cultures me on professional food photography and how the dishes are made for photo taking and not for eating. So, by drinking one of the smoothies my stomach would become upset.

In knee jerk reaction, I defend my gritty gut. With my chest puffed out, I start off strong. Hyping my green juicing habits. I end the story with my “leaky gut” passing a glob of poop instead of gas.

We laugh, eat and days later my neighbor reaches out to me to share the photographer’s interest.

My advice on how to get a guy to like you:

  • Share your stories, embarrassing or not — it makes you interesting
  • Your story should be abutting to the conversation. Don’t talk about the time your dog chewed your Jimmy Choo shoes, if it is unrelated to the banter at hand
  • Drink green juice. It will keep you healthy and you will have a butt load of stories to share
  • Lastly, talk shit! Guys love that.

****

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

Morning’s prelude

I rise before the brilliant star in the East.

I tip toe in the twilight, trying desperately not to create a symphony of pots & pans clanging.

My head makes a hit.

See, my pupils are not enlightened and by design have not increased their viewpoints.

I meander to the toilet chamber to sit on the numbing throne.

I dispose of yesterday’s waste, then

Bow my head in reverence, as I scroll through the scattered stories and the weighted happenings of humankind.

45 minutes is gone and I am weighted in position.

I hoist my torso onto the sink to form a boomerang with my body parts.

I plank myself up,

And scold the mirror with menacing thoughts,

“This will be the last time I’ll sit on this toilet in wastefulness.”

Tingly sensations soothe my senses.

I stand up and greet the sun.

           My day has begun.

****

Until the next time – I adore you for reading my blog,

blogrochellesignature_18october2016

Have you ever asked for Driving Directions?

 

Comedic Brilliance. Take a gander at the video clip. Pure genius.

 

 

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